Month: February 2020

I’m feeling a bit tired right now . That’s not quite right. Restless. Bored. I’m grasping for entertainment. I don’t care what it is. I just want something to help me escape this moment.

But why? What is so terrible about the experiences that I’m going through? Physically painful? Nope. Uncomfortable? Nope. Tiring? Somewhat,but that has not prevented me from enjoying other things. Emotionally painful? Not really. It’s just boring. Life right now seems empty.

Of what?

That’s hard to say . Stimulation would be the most obvious answer, But it’s not the right one , when I feel this way I often grasp for it in the form of food (sweet, salty , calorie dense) , or news (click bait) or books. The trouble is they don’t work . I don’t feel better after getting some. I feel worse.

Then what am I missing?

Meaning. I think the emptiness comes because my actions are pointless. They change the world. They matter to others. But not to me.

So I try to substitute stimulation for meaning. But it doesn’t work. Enough is not a physical reality, it’s a feeling. Like giving a drowning man water, giving me stimulation instead of meaning does not help.At best, it delays me and lets me escape my problems. At worst, it allows my problems to fester, and builds an instinct to avoid them.

How should I handle this? How do I find meaning it tasks that I don’t get to choose? I can’t. I can’t create meaning out of thin air, or trivial tasks. Things will not become important to me just because I want them to be. Or because that would be convenient.

But maybe that’s the wrong way to look at it. I don’t need to find meaning. I already have it. There are meaningful tasks and important goals. I just need to correct them to my current work.

With each task, I need only to ask, how does this help me become the person who I want to be?

Hatred is the crystallization of anger. To hate, one must practice anger until it becomes an instinct. It doesn’t just happen. Every thought forged in anger, lays the tracks for resentment.

Anger, like all emotions, is a feeling and a story. The feeling is pain. The story is most often that someone else is causing it. And not for any good reason. Because that person is cruel. Or careless. Or inept.

Anger has no interest in truth.

Anything that denies your story is attacked. These are not rejections of your pain, but your understanding. And make no mistake. Your pain is real. But your story is not. No one else can tell you that it’s wrong. You won’t listen. I certainly didn’t. Just listen to your own story.

How does repeating that story make you feel? Does it bring back all of the hurt? Why do you continually dredge up the past? Is there any action you can take to change that situation now? Any lesson that you can take from it?

In a very real sense, to feel anger is to blame.

You might have been hurt by the actions of another. And they might have even been cruel, careless or inept. But you are not a neutral observer. You have an incredible amount of insight into what you felt, and what happened to you. But almost none into that other person.

What was that other person feeling? What information did they have access to? Why did they take their actions?

Blame is the only real way to avoid responsibility. If something happens that hurts you, you can’t really say that it didn’t happen. Because it did. And you feel it. And feelings are very hard to argue with.

Blame is seductive because it makes life easier. Instead of dealing with your feelings and your choices, you only need to deal with your feelings. But you don’t need blame for this. I hereby give you permission to deal with your feelings whenever you are in pain. Examining your actions can wait. And almost always it should.

I have many flaws, but anger?

I thought I had moved beyond it. That was one emotion I had understood thoroughly. Enough to recognize it, and promptly set it aside on the rare occasions where it surfaced. For why would I hold onto something that caused me pain?

I was wrong.

I was hurt. Dodging responsibility for my actions meant pushing blame onto others. I held onto my pain to shield myself from responsibility. Because that was even more painful.

Lots of people, parents mostly, are awfully concerned about the words that children hear. They think that hearing certain words might hinder a child’s development. Or scar them emotionally.

I entirely agree!

The theory goes like this. Children are impressionable (this is true), and easy to influence (less true). And they lack either the emotional maturity or the experience to handle certain concepts. I agree with this as well. Even more, I’d say that the same of many adults.

However, most people worry about very odd words. Poo, poty, damn, shit, fuck. These words are easy to understand and use. Say them when you wish to emphasize a point. Not in polite company. Rarely, or they lose their impact.

Children hear them all the time. And what happens? They snicker. And maybe use them. Oh no!

There are many words that are much more harmful.

Should.

This word tells a child to shut up. Do what you are told. And that explanations are unnecessary. Because whoever says this is in a position of power. Not because they are right, or because it will provide some benefit. But because they rank higher on some social ladder than you.

You should clean your room. You should brush your teeth. Whenever a parent says this, they deprive a child of choice. They are forced to become a cog, instead of a thinking, feeling person. It misdirects them. They are pulled towards a demand, and the authority behind it. Not to their actions, and why those are important.

Everyone.

This word tells a child that they are in danger of being arrested by the conformity police. Which aren’t real. But they are very scary. When you say this to a child, you are saying that they need to do what other people are doing. Why? Because other people are doing it of course. And they might reject you for doing something else.

Instead you should foster their independence. Tell them that true friends are the ones who recognize your differences. They don’t need you to be the same as them.

Certain times are held above others: the times when you get to decide upon your actions without regard to prior obligations or responsibilities. Which is rather odd. Every moment of every day, you decide what you do. You don’t need to care about your obligations or responsibilities. Only the consequences of your actions.

I reject the notion that time spent meeting your obligations or following your routines should be less valuable that spontaneous actions. Why should your routines need to be less valuable than your whims? If anything, they should be more worthwhile.

You can, and should put a great deal of thought and effort into honing your routines. Let them be your bastions of calm. Of focus. Of whatever makes you feel alive.

Likewise, you should rid yourself of obligations that are unworthy of your time. Commitments are not thrust upon you. They are not chains binding you to a course of action. They are opportunities. That were offered. And taken.

Set them down once they stop serving you. Often requires a process, and sometimes it continuing with your obligations for a time. But if something is not serving you, stop carrying it.