Yesterday felt hollow. It started like a normal day, but during the afternoon, I felt tired and listless. Not the tired earned from hard work. It felt more like the oppressive exhaustion of apathy. When I worked, I distracted myself constantly. When I read fiction, I quickly grew bored. When I played video games, I didn’t enjoy it. All of the things that normally bring me joy, failed.
Sometimes that happens.
This is not the first time a day has turned to ash for me. And normally I’d just get some rest and feel refreshed the next day (and I will do that to be sure). But this is perhaps the first time I’ve seriously considered it. What reasons do I have to disengage from life? Why did I stop caring about my actions or their consequences?
Was it due to a shock?
There have been some negative events in my life recently. My granny died last week. I felt terrible when I learned of it. Even though I knew it was coming. But if this was the cause, why today? What caused all of these feelings to well up now? I also read a profoundly negative book about the state of the world and it’s trajectory. But why would that affect me so much? I disagree with many of the claims and the overall tone. At work, I had to deal with one of my least favorite tasks. I was constantly pulled from one distraction to another, and had little time or motivation to advance my long term projects. Or maybe, things are simpler still. I ate some candy for the first time in weeks. Could this have been as simple as a sugar crash in the afternoon?
I don’t have an answer.
And maybe they all contributed. Or maybe it’s something else entirely. But I have started to pay attention. The next time something like this happens, I’ll look back on today. And maybe then I’ll be able to see a pattern.
I’m trying to stay with things that are unpleasant a little longer. Because that helps me to understand them. And that helps me to understand myself.
What about you?
Have you had any negative experiences lately? What caused them? What does that say about you?