Yesterday was a bit of a slog. I had to do some work that was easy, and repetitive. In other words, it was boring. I found my mind slipping away from my task. My body followed a while later. I took longer breaks for walks, for lunch, during exercising until I hollowed out my workday. I tried to evade work. And I largely succeeded. Only I didn’t find happiness. Every time I slipped away from work I felt guilty. When I worked I thought about reading stories or video games, and when I read stories or played video games I thought about work. My emotions bounced between boredom and frustrating (while working) to guilt and worry (while playing).
Playing and Working were largely the same.
I never engaged with what I was actually doing. Instead I focused on myself, and what I was feeling. And I kept telling myself that doing something else would make me feel better. If I played, then I wouldn’t feel bored. But if I worked, then I wouldn’t feel guilty. Only, neither worked. I felt unsatisfied with both of them. And that frustration built up until I switched tasks. And then I repeated the process.
There was joy to be found in either activity. I could gain a deep sense of fulfillment from working on hard problems. Or even easy ones. Instead of worrying about how easy the problem was, I could have seen it as a chance to improve my focus. To become a more intentional person. And with reading stories, I just need to engage with them. To let myself connect with the characters as they explore their worlds and best their problems. But I didn’t. Instead I hurried through each page, because I know I should be doing something else.
Today, I’m going to look for happiness where I am.
I’ve spent a lot of time and energy asking the wrong questions: What do I need to do to be happy? What do I need to have to be happy? How can I change my circumstances to be happy? But none of these questions lead to happiness, because they put your focus on what you don’t have. They assume that you aren’t happy with what you have right now. More than that, they assume that you cannot be happy with what you have right now.
Instead of grasping for happiness somewhere else or somewhen else, I’m going to accept all of the happiness my circumstances have to offer right here and right now. I’m going to start asking myself better questions: What do I most enjoy about what I’m doing right now? What is my favorite part of my life? What parts of my circumstances bring me the most joy?
But, I’m afraid of happiness.
Because I worry that it will lead to complacency. And that I will no longer strive to improve myself. But looking back on the past few weeks, I’ve made more progress towards my goals when I was happy, than when I was not. Focus led to happiness, and happiness led to being focused. When I was unhappy, I pinballed between new activities. This didn’t get anything done, and often left my feeling just as bad.
To allow myself to look for happiness, I need to remember that happiness does not mean complacency. Happiness in gratitude for your current actions and circumstances. Complacency is a kind of quiet despair. You can’t change your circumstances, or maybe you can, but it’s not worth the cost. But that’s ok because they are ok, or at least endurable.
To be happy, I do not need to stop striving to become kinder, or more focused, or more capable.
What about you?
Where do you look for happiness? Are there any emotions that you are afraid of feeling?