Month: October 2020

When I fail, it hurts. I have a serious look at which actions I took and their consequences. And that tends to help me refine my actions. But I don’t do this when things are going well. During those times, I tend to withdraw into the things that I know that I can do. I fall into a comfortable routine that produces known results.

To understand why this happens, first we need to understand it’s easier to improve after a failure. When that happens, I’m unhappy with my results. And they happened. I can’t deny the consequences that I have experienced. Unhappy enough to justify self examination. Because self examination is a painful process. It requires one to look inwards and question not just your actions, but also your beliefs about yourself. Are you really capable? Did one of your actions cause your own failures? Or are you helpless to affect your circumstances? Once you see the problem in your thoughts or actions, it will nag at you until it’s fixed.

So when things are going well, I tend to avoid looking into my thoughts and actions. I have the results that I want, so maybe I’m doing everything correctly. The best, and easiest way to change this is to put yourself in a situation beyond what you think you can accomplish. Instead of smooth sailing, you’ll find storms.

Even if I reflect, if I haven’t failed recently, it can be hard to find a way to improve. Because when I fail, I assume that I made mistakes. And when I’ve been successful, I assume that I did everything right. So whenever you examine your actions, assume that you made mistakes. Assume that you can improve in some way.

If you are like me, there is a gap between your intentions and your actions. It’s probably been around for some time, and you’ve been aware of it to varying degrees. Lately, this has been a nagging issue. Ultimately, I’d call this the main source of my frustration.

What causes this gap?

Sometimes I set my intentions without a clear understanding of what I’m trying to do, and it turns out that what I wanted is not possible in the timescale that I had expected, or using the methods that I had planned. This does not bother me. No, what frustrates me is when I have a reasonable plan, but I simply don’t apply myself. I procrastinate until I’m in a time crunch, and I have to rush through everything (or drop tasks). Or I watch tv while I’m working, and let my productivity slow to a crawl.

But why?

Why do I do this to myself? I certainly don’t intend to inflict misery on myself. And I can clearly see that my actions will lead to a great deal of stress. If I know this, then I can only conclude that my actions are because I can’t afford to worry about the future. Even a few hours or days is too far away to care about. And if this is true, then I must feel truly desperate when I’m delaying these tasks. 

Feelings are not truth.

They are an interpretation of events and their consequences. Why would I feel so desperate about certain tasks? They have not, and probably will not greatly affect my material outcomes. Therefore, they must affect me emotionally. Specifically working on these tasks makes me question my understanding of myself, my identity.

This is not an easy thing to deal with. Even so, I haven’t dealt with it at all, instead I’ve avoided it. What should I do? I need to be present when I question my ego. I need to ask if my thoughts about myself are a reflection of reality, or a distortion. And then I need to let go of whatever is false, whether that is a thought, or part of my ego.