“When you repeat a mistake, it is not a mistake anymore: it is a decision.”

― Paulo Coelho

I’ve been struggling to change one of my habits lately. I’ve vowed to quit cold turkey, and I’ve carefully planned out a gradual roll out of my old habit in favor of better ones. Both of these approaches have worked, but only for a time. Although I’ve had stretches of success, I always seem to end up mired in the same place due to the same behavior.

And that is why. Previously I looked at my backsliding as a mistake. Because of course it was. I was trying to change my behavior. Of course I knew that my old habit had stopped serving me. I just wasn’t thinking. So I added reminders. Only they didn’t work. Just like before, I still make the same mistakes. I spent all of my effort trying to act, and none of it trying to convince myself to act. I wasn’t making a mistake. I was making a decision.

So I set about convincing myself instead of demanding.

I had tried to change my behavior for so long, I forgot my reasons for doing so. I searched my notes, and found the reasons that I had stated when I started. And they didn’t apply to me anymore. I wrote new reasons. These were not for myself now, but for the self that would decide how to act when given a choice to follow my new behavior or my old one. I needed to convince that person that although my old habit was comforting, and enjoyable, it was not worthwhile.

Decisions are made using emotions, not logic.

There were reasons why my old habit pulled at me. I enjoyed it, and it allowed me to separate myself from work. In fact, there was nothing wrong with the activity itself, just the way that I was using it. It provided a haven for me. I used it to run from my problems instead of confronting them. Everytime I encountered a setback, I would hear the siren call of my old habit, offering a reprieve. I couldn’t convince myself that I wasn’t getting anything out of my habit, because that was a lie and I knew it.

Instead, I needed to understand the cost. Not to know it in my head, but to feel it in my heart. Whenever I started running from my problems, I didn’t stop for the whole day. I transformed small setbacks into massive delays. The broken commitment and missed deadlines left a sink hole of fear and resentment. I was training myself to be a coward. To run from every possible failure or emotional risk. Instead of becoming someone I looked up to, I was becoming something else. That was the price that I was paying.

So I wrote down the reasons,

And I’ll rewrite them every day. Because I don’t make decisions while looking at my notes, I’ll need to remember them. I’ll need to be able to recall them when I’m feeling tired, or afraid. Until my reasons should spring to mind when I think about my habits.

Intro

Is a destructive wurm terrorizing you and your village? Is a terrible beast eating your livestock and your favorite relatives? Do you want to slay a dragon? Congratulations! Because now you can. In just 5 easy *steps, you can rid yourself of this odious problem.

* Steps may be somewhat challenging to extremely difficult.

Step 1: Set Out (commit to slaying your dragon)

Now brave soon-to-be hero, you need to set out. Instead of suffering under the fiery breath of your dragon, you’ll need to venture forth to rid yourself of it. You have cowered in your hut, hoping it would just take your sheep, or failing that, your least favorite relative (Uncle Ted). But alas! It ate your most favorite relative instead (Auntie Gertrude). As so, you must fix in your mind the reason that you go to confront the beast. Have a clear picture of exactly which relative you are going to avenge. We recommend keeping a small picture or keepsake of theirs handy for the journey.

Step 2: Find a Sword (have a plan to defeat your dragon)

Now that you’ve left your village, you’ll need a weapon. If there’s a legendary blacksmith in residence, we strongly recommended enlisting their services. For those not so fortunate (we expect most villagers to fall into this category), we recommend asking your elders if they know of any dragon slayers or dragon slaying swords. Most countries have a sword dragon slaying, or a dragon slaying Aunt laying around. We recommend asking a retired dragon slayer for the gear over finding it in the wilderness. Despite the popularity of questing for a sword, they do have a nasty tendency to rust, especially if not cared for properly. Meeting with a retired dragon slayer allows you to get their sword, and ask them for advice directly.

Step 3: Recruit a Wizard (get support for your quest)

Next, you’ll need to recruit a wizard. While you might think them hard to find, they are surprisingly common. In fact, you’ll likely have to choose between several wizards for your adventure. So here’s what to look for in a wizard. Since you’re going to confront a powerful beast, you might first think to find a powerful wizard. Unfortunately, wizards can’t slay dragons. You see, dragons are nigh immune to magic, so a wizard can only should encouragement once you start battling them. Instead you should look for a wizard who, despite the eccentricities and absent mindedness that plague some wizards, is able help you get to the dragon’s lair by helping you navigate and dealing with the smaller dangers along the way (trolls, goblins and the like). 

Step 4: Journey to the Dragon’s Lair (track your progress)

Armed, and with your party assembled, you’ll now need to seek out the dragon’s lair. While some may try to wait for the dragon to return, we recommend finding its lair. During your previous confrontations with the dragon, it sought you out. It was alert. You were unprepared and caught off guard. It decided when and where to meet for battle. This time, you will pick the time and place. Fighting in its lair will allow you to catch it by surprise, in a place its most dangerous aspect (flight) will be of no use.

The journey to the dragon’s lair serves another purpose: to help you train with your sword. Confronting lesser challenges on the way (with the aid of your trusty wizard) will help you hone your skills. Be sure to track your progress on your map. Make sure that your skills steadily develop as you near your destination.

Step 5: Confront the Dragon

As you reach the dragon’s lair, you’ll need to go in alone, leaving your wizard behind. The key to this battle is to believe in yourself. You will feel overwhelmed and afraid. Like you cannot succeed. There will be an opportunity for you to turn the tide, and if you don’t believe in yourself you won’t notice it.

When someone close to me is struggling, I want to step in and fix everything. It looks easy to sweep away all of their problems. But the sad truth is, that does not help. I define helping someone as an act that leaves that person more capable of handling the difficulties that they are facing. And fixing things for other people falls short of that standard.

We are at our most vulnerable when we can’t see a way to solve our most pressing problems. We’re frustrated and overwhelmed. And most of all, desperate. At that time, if someone you respect looks at you and your problems and says ‘you got this,’ you will remember it. That might be the push you need to try again. To take another look and see what you can do about it. On the other hand, if that person says ‘you can’t handle this, let me take over,’ you’ll probably let them. And the next time you run into a problem, you’ll remember it.

So, how do you actually help someone who’s struggling?

Believe in them. Nothing you can do is more important. Because that’s how you get them to believe in themselves. Excuses are burdens that hold us back from our goal which we ignore. Because they are pillows for our ego to soften the bruises from failing. Removing them makes failure hurt, more than it already does. Only once someone has let get of their excuses, then they truly believe in themselves.

How do you get rid of someone’s excuses?

Ask why they failed and what they are going to do about it. Once brought to light, it’s difficult to hold onto something so clearly at odds with your goals. Ask them why they can’t succeed. Then question their reasons.

Don’t try to be the hero of someone else’s story

Most times you only have a small role, popping in and out of the story. Instead try to be their Gandalf. Be the person who helps others become more than they thought possible.

At work, I spent last month analyzing how customer spending changed on one particular product when they took a certain action. I had done this before with decidedly subpar results: I was taking too long, and my boss pulled in someone else to help. This time looked unfortunately similar. After weeks of stumbling around I had discovered that we were missing some of the data for the product I was analyzing. I asked around; apparently we wouldn’t be able to get it either.

And I felt relief.

Not disappointed because I wouldn’t finish. Relief. Because the project couldn’t go forward. And it wasn’t my fault.

I had been spending the past few weeks discouraged and disengaged from that project. I hadn’t enjoyed working on this type of project before, and that hadn’t changed with this new project. I couldn’t see a path to complete it. 

I put in superficial effort on completing the project, and my full effort into finding and building up each obstacle. So, instead of trying to solve the problems I ran into, I magnified them up. I tried to overcome them, and tested different solutions, but that wasn’t to solve the problem. That was to make sure my excuse held up well enough to end the project.

Why did I look for excuses instead of solutions?

Because I didn’t enjoy constantly struggling, and I wanted to move onto my next project (which was something I would enjoy). Because after my first few setbacks, I didn’t think I could complete the project. Because I was comparing myself to my coworker (who I respect a great deal), I thought I was destined to fail (by comparison). Because I was afraid of failure, and I worried about how I would be judged (by myself most of all).

I reached out for help, but I could have done so earlier, and more often. But before I did so, I wanted to add something to the project, to move it forward in some way. Because if I didn’t then I would feel like a failure.

Because I thought that everyone was judging me. Because I was definitely judging myself. And I was afraid of what failing would mean about me.

I spent my time protecting my ego instead of completing my project.

I can see how the actions that I took led to the results that I got. And I can see what I should have done instead. But to switch between the two, that is not an easy thing. Simple yes. Not easy.

Because asking for help and accepting it requires courage. It means acknowledging my inadequacies. And worse yet, sharing them with other people. And so this time, I have a plan. Each night I’ll write down the areas I’m struggling with, and ways that I can look for solutions in the form of an email. The next day, I’ll try all of my solutions. If by the evening I still haven’t solved them, then I’ll send the email I wrote asking for help.