At work, I spent last month analyzing how customer spending changed on one particular product when they took a certain action. I had done this before with decidedly subpar results: I was taking too long, and my boss pulled in someone else to help. This time looked unfortunately similar. After weeks of stumbling around I had discovered that we were missing some of the data for the product I was analyzing. I asked around; apparently we wouldn’t be able to get it either.
And I felt relief.
Not disappointed because I wouldn’t finish. Relief. Because the project couldn’t go forward. And it wasn’t my fault.
I had been spending the past few weeks discouraged and disengaged from that project. I hadn’t enjoyed working on this type of project before, and that hadn’t changed with this new project. I couldn’t see a path to complete it.
I put in superficial effort on completing the project, and my full effort into finding and building up each obstacle. So, instead of trying to solve the problems I ran into, I magnified them up. I tried to overcome them, and tested different solutions, but that wasn’t to solve the problem. That was to make sure my excuse held up well enough to end the project.
Why did I look for excuses instead of solutions?
Because I didn’t enjoy constantly struggling, and I wanted to move onto my next project (which was something I would enjoy). Because after my first few setbacks, I didn’t think I could complete the project. Because I was comparing myself to my coworker (who I respect a great deal), I thought I was destined to fail (by comparison). Because I was afraid of failure, and I worried about how I would be judged (by myself most of all).
I reached out for help, but I could have done so earlier, and more often. But before I did so, I wanted to add something to the project, to move it forward in some way. Because if I didn’t then I would feel like a failure.
Because I thought that everyone was judging me. Because I was definitely judging myself. And I was afraid of what failing would mean about me.
I spent my time protecting my ego instead of completing my project.
I can see how the actions that I took led to the results that I got. And I can see what I should have done instead. But to switch between the two, that is not an easy thing. Simple yes. Not easy.
Because asking for help and accepting it requires courage. It means acknowledging my inadequacies. And worse yet, sharing them with other people. And so this time, I have a plan. Each night I’ll write down the areas I’m struggling with, and ways that I can look for solutions in the form of an email. The next day, I’ll try all of my solutions. If by the evening I still haven’t solved them, then I’ll send the email I wrote asking for help.