Falling Behind Requires Expectations
Falling behind requires you to have an idea of where you want to be. Sometimes we set this consciously, like when you set a goal, or unconsciously, like when you see someone driving a nicer car. An expectation tends to be a visible sign of progress. And it hurts to see yourself come up short on it.
Pain and frustration
Seeing yourself come up short is a heavy burden on your ego, and it’s hard to accept responsibility for an outcome that you don’t like. All too often, we blame circumstances for our failings. I didn’t get much work done today. But that was because I had too many meetings. It’s tempting because it’s easy. Because accepting that our actions lead to this means that you have to change. Or else you’ll get the same outcome again, and that is unacceptable.
Blaming others
The world does not conspire against you. Most of the people surrounding you are focused on their own world and give your goals little consideration. How much thought have you given to dreams of those around you? Chances are about the closest two or three people, and do so no more often than once a week. Other people are similar to you. They have their own dreams and that’s where their focus lies.
But the world sometimes gets in the way. While other people are climbing their own mountains, sometimes they’ll cut you off. Or someone drops a task in your lap. This is normal. If you expect never to be interrupted once you set a goal, you are in for a lifetime of disappointment.
You have control over your actions. They are the levers you use to affect the world. So whatever change you want, must start through them. Changing your own behavior is difficult, challenging, and time consuming. Using your behavior to change someone else’s is more so. It’s like going from using a pair of chopsticks, to using two pairs of chopsticks to pick up a third. Not impossible, but much more difficult. If you can do that, you can generally just respond to whatever troubles the other person’s behavior causes you. And that tends to be much less effort.
Giving Up
Once you’ve accepted blame, it hurts. First you must accept the pain of getting the wrong outcome. Secondly, you accept that you could have prevented this if you acted differently. That you are the author of your own misery. This makes us want to withdraw. To distance ourselves from it. Because there is another step. You need to hold onto your expectation even though it’s causing you pain.
We tend to push away anything that causes us pain. That includes expectations. Any time we fail, we’ll degrade or devalue our aspirations.
Sometimes your expectations are not worth holding onto. It takes work to reach them and holding onto them without reaching them will cause you suffering. All too often, you’ll realize that you have been grasping at nothing. Don’t strive towards goals worth having. Strive towards goals worth pursuing. That’s a much higher bar, and one you should hold yourself to. Sometimes you’ll realize this after you’ve worked on something for a while. If so, then you should drop it. But don’t do so lightly. Understand why you chose this in the first place.
Holding onto an expectation means striving towards it. Because no one will continue to let their ego suffer under constant recrimination.
What about you?
I’ve been trying to spend more time working on my long term goals. But this week I’ve fallen behind where I wanted to be. I’ve reviewed what I wanted when setting this expectation, and I’ve decided that it’s worth holding onto.
What expectations are you holding onto that you aren’t meeting?