When someone close to me is struggling, I want to step in and fix everything. It looks easy to sweep away all of their problems. But the sad truth is, that does not help. I define helping someone as an act that leaves that person more capable of handling the difficulties that they are facing. And fixing things for other people falls short of that standard.
We are at our most vulnerable when we can’t see a way to solve our most pressing problems. We’re frustrated and overwhelmed. And most of all, desperate. At that time, if someone you respect looks at you and your problems and says ‘you got this,’ you will remember it. That might be the push you need to try again. To take another look and see what you can do about it. On the other hand, if that person says ‘you can’t handle this, let me take over,’ you’ll probably let them. And the next time you run into a problem, you’ll remember it.
So, how do you actually help someone who’s struggling?
Believe in them. Nothing you can do is more important. Because that’s how you get them to believe in themselves. Excuses are burdens that hold us back from our goal which we ignore. Because they are pillows for our ego to soften the bruises from failing. Removing them makes failure hurt, more than it already does. Only once someone has let get of their excuses, then they truly believe in themselves.
How do you get rid of someone’s excuses?
Ask why they failed and what they are going to do about it. Once brought to light, it’s difficult to hold onto something so clearly at odds with your goals. Ask them why they can’t succeed. Then question their reasons.
Don’t try to be the hero of someone else’s story
Most times you only have a small role, popping in and out of the story. Instead try to be their Gandalf. Be the person who helps others become more than they thought possible.