I last graced this blog with a post in April. Over half of a year. Eight months. Thirty four weeks. Two hundred thirty eight days. I intended to write most of these weekends. But I kept somehow pushing this back, further and further. Until one day, I wasn’t trying to continue writing, but to start again. I had reached the point where I could no longer think of myself as actively writing.

The shift from asking myself to start writing instead of continuing gave me a new perspective. I stepped back from things like getting an audience. Or even if the quality of my writing was getting better (and how was I measuring that anyway?). I started to ask myself why I started writing, and stopped worrying about making progress.

Why do I write?

For this blog, I’m trying to work through the problems in my life, and help other people do the same. An audience would be nice, but that’s secondary. I’m much more interested in making a difference to the people I know and care about (sorry internet people). As for the quality of my writing, I’ve made some marginal gains. But I wasn’t focused on this even when I was writing. I had judged writing poorly; focused on all of the things that I wasn’t making progress on, even if they weren’t important to me.

But is it worthwhile?

But that leads to more questions: is that still my goal? Yes! Does blogging help me to process my emotions, and give better advice to my friends and family? It’s hard to say. I felt more on top of things when I was blogging compared to the period when I had stopped. However, causation could flow the other way. Maybe I kept up with blogging because I was more on top of things, instead of the reverse. I suspect it’s a bit of both: healthy habits help you become more mindful, and being more mindful helps you to build healthy habits. And with that unsatisfying answer, I’m going to give writing another try.

Every action needs a reason, a purpose to fulfill. Even if that isn’t understood, or considered. Without a reason, why act at all? Or at least why not take another course of action. This is motivation. At its core, motivation is a promise that your actions will return something of value. When you understand your motivation, you can gain more control of yourself.

Excitement

Motivation comes in several different stages. The first stage is excitement. It promises novelty in exchange for the courage to try something new. It’s the most common, and it’s what most people think of when they think about motivation. It’s also effortless. Excitement lets eagerly dive into something with expectations soaring. And sometimes that even works out really well. Sometimes we dive in, and just love every moment. And we continue and we’re hooked.

Persistence

But more often, we hit a snag. We stumble and fall. That’s when the second type of motivation comes in. That’s persistence. It doesn’t promise joy from your actions (you’ve tried it, and right now it sucks). Instead the benefits happen later. While those benefits can take many different forms, they are wrapped in a vision of the future, of what life could be if you stuck with that action. Persistence is not a very fun motivation, and it’s very difficult to keep at it for a long time (because you do need to get those promised benefits eventually).

Passion

After we see the benefits of our persistence, eventually we start to associate our actions with those benefits, instead of merely our vision. That’s the third type of motivation, passion. That comes from doing something and knowing exactly we’re getting out of it. Instead of promises, we know the cost, and what we’ll get out of it. And better yet, it’s a damn fine trade. Persistence and passion both require sweat, but passion no longer has the emotional drain of convincing yourself that your actions aren’t pointless.

Quitting

Transitioning from one stage to the next is where most people quit. And that’s ok. Sometimes the juice isn’t worth the squeeze. Sometimes you might have too many good opportunities to pursue, so you can only go after the truly great ones. Finding out that something isn’t worthwhile is a lesson, not a character flaw. But many people also quit at things that are worthwhile.

Staying Motivated

Switching to persistence, we need to create a vision of the future. What would life be life if you persisted? What benefits would you accrue that would not be possible otherwise. Our strain is cut into our minds in sharp detail, every time you work on your goal. Your vision of the future needs the same treatment. Every time you work, make sure you understand what you’re getting out of it.

Moving to passion, we need to feel the benefits that our actions are generating. Promises can only work for so long. Make sure that your actions are delivering on the promises that you’ve been making. Delve into the consequences of your actions. Watch for the first sign of what you’re getting. Start to anticipate the benefits earlier and earlier, until you move before you start.

The most important things in life are, well, the most important things in life. They’re your values. You get to decide what they are and what they mean to you. It’s a big decision, and not one you can put off. Because you use your values every day. Your values are how you judge your actions. Or put another way, your actions are how you express your values.

The Purpose of Questions

It’s not always easy to see the impact our actions make. Often the effects can’t be seen or felt until much later. We need another tool to pry this understanding from reality, the question.With a few questions we can step back, and see the bigger picture, or dive into the details.

But questions can give us more than just understanding. They can also fuel our motivation. It’s not enough to know that your actions change something important. You also need to feel it too.

Questions should demand action

Some questions (most) are answered with words. The best are answered with actions. This starts with the way you phrase your question. Instead of asking yourself how something works, ask what you need to do to change it. This keeps your end goal in mind (you do want to use that understanding, don’t you?). While you’ll still need to gain understanding, focusing on the end goal helps you to filter out information that isn’t necessary. By asking what you need to do, you’ll push yourself into using your insight.

Questions should contrast possible outcomes 

For years, I’ve set goals and then tried to force myself to take the actions necessary to complete them. This led to me dragging myself to the finish line, tired and bruised, or quitting before I even got there. I didn’t realize that there was an alternative, so I tried to bulk up on willpower. Instead of relying on willpower, I’d recommend using whypower (it’s a more renewable resource). Constantly direct your focus to what you’re aiming at. When things get hard, look back to your why, instead of trying to follow arbitrary commands from your past self.

And questions are the best tool for this. Questions can be used to contrast the differences in the possible outcomes, and show how your actions will steer you towards one or the other. Where are your actions taking you? Is that somewhere you’d like to go? What about it makes it so? How is your action taking you there?

A Question for You

What question can you ask yourself that will most help you reach your goals?

For me, it is this: “Is this helping me learn to become a more capable writer?”

The Happiness from Activities Changes Over Time

The first slice of pizza is far better than the last. Nobody has to ask “are you going to eat the first slice?” Because the answer is obviously yes. The first slice is hot, and you’re hungry. By the last one, the pizza is room temperature, and you’re full.

You get the most benefit when you start out, and as you spend more time you don’t get as much. Until eventually, you’d rather throw the last slice away than eat it. Watching tv, exercising, planning: most activities are like this. The first TV show is critically acclaimed and well written. It captures your focus from start to finish. After another ten shows, you realize that you’re flipping through channels, searching for an antidote to your boredom. You race off to do something, and it feels great. So you put more time in, but then stops delivering what you wanted out of it anymore. Until eventually it’s actively making your life worse.

This is true for specific activities, and for similar kinds of activities. Watching the same show ten times in a row will lose its luster quickly. But the same holds true for related things. Ten consecutive episodes of a show will start to drag. Ten detective shows in a row would be a burden to watch. A full day spent watching TV would be a bother more than a break.

Stop Doing What You Enjoy

To increase your happiness, stop doing things that you enjoy, while you still enjoy them. Our current mechanism for stopping catches us far too late. We usually quit once we’ve squeezed all of the joy out and start to taste bitterness. Instead stop while you are still enjoying it. Note when your enjoyment goes down a bit. Is it after one movie? How many slices until you aren’t excited about the next one? Eat pizza until you don’t enjoy a slice. Then take one less next time.

This is a difficult prescription to follow. Observe your experience when something goes from fun to a chore. Mark that moment. What changed? How much time had you spent? What were you feeling? To stop sooner, you’ll need a precise understanding of when an activity stops being worthwhile, and what that feels like. Instead of draining it dry, save some enjoyment for the next time you do that activity.

A while ago, people who posted #LearnToCode were banned from Twitter. Some reporters had told miners to learn to code, and they were getting the same advice (in the much same way). It’s actually pretty reasonable advice. The internet holds a vast array of high quality resources (many of which are free), and coding opens up a lot of job opportunities. However in both of these cases, the advice was useless. Because it was given dismissively, disdainfully, it was a complete failure.

The Goal of Advice

For something to be a failure, requires that it has an objective. The goal of advice is to change the behavior of the person receiving it in a way that helps them improve their life. It’s not about feeling wise, or superior. Good advice shows someone how to improve their situation through their own efforts. The recipient is the one who determines what it means for their life to improve (not the giver of said advice).

When to Give Advice

Give better advice by telling people who are ready to listen. Many people (myself included) feel the urge to jump in with a solution whenever another person brings up a problem. This can be quite helpful for smaller problems, but rarely works for large ones. Gleefully telling someone how to fix a problem that they’ve been struggling with is dismissive.

Before you give advice, you need to make sure that people are ready to hear it. Unless you have a relationship with a great deal of respect, wait for someone to ask for advice before giving it. Even once someone asks for advice, they might not be ready for it. Sometimes people asking for advice  are really just wishing that their problems will go away aloud. Wait until they are willing to work them away, and are earnestly searching for the means to do so.

What to Say

Apart from giving advice to people who are ready to listen, we need to say something that helps them. Start by listening. If you don’t know that person’s problem, their situation, their goals, their resources, and all of the things that they’ve tried to do about it, you aren’t ready to give them advice. Telling someone to do something that they’ve already tried before is not helpful, and will get them to look for solutions elsewhere.

How to Say It

Advice needs to be a specific action that its recipient has not thought of or something that they considered and then dismissed. In both cases (but especially the second), you’ll also need to provide the emotional support to tackle something challenging. Acknowledge their challenges, and their efforts. Most of all, believe that they can change (even if the action that you are suggesting does not work).

Mental focus is when you direct your thoughts towards something and keep them there. It’s a very practical thing that most people do (or at least try to do) every day. Emotional focus is when you direct your feelings towards something, and pull them back whenever they stray. Few people ever do this intentionally, although it can happen naturally when someone gets very upset.

Mental focus is easy to understand, if not easy to perform. There’s no real mystery in noticing your thoughts, and letting go of stray ones. On the other hand, emotional focus is harder to grasp. How can you control your emotions? You can’t just make yourself feel happy, can you. Well, you can. Read a well written tragedy, and you’ll be sad. Watch a great action flick, and BOOM! You’re excited. This works by causing you to focus on a story. You live with the characters, and feel their ups and down. Emotions are the stories we use to explain the events in our lives, and thoughts are the sentences in this book. So it’s back to controlling your thoughts again.

Ok, then what’s the difference between mental focus and emotional focus?

For mental focus, you concentrate intensely for a relatively short period of time. With emotional focus, less intensity is required, but it’s spread out over weeks instead of hours.

Secondly, emotional focus differs from mental focus in the type of thoughts that you need to release. Mental focus is about catching any and all thoughts, but emotional focus is about noticing a few select thoughts. Wanting something is not passive. Desires are etched through ceaseless repetitions of a story that justifies your emotions. These are the thoughts that you need to catch. But, instead of releasing them, as you would with mental focus, you need to bring your awareness down on them. Did Bob really intend to demean you when he cut you off? Or was he excited? Does he do that to other people as well? Does this need to make you feel hurt or upset? How would you like to respond to that? How would you like to feel about it? Could you? As you question, you’ll notice that your airtight story crumbles at the lightest breeze. As it does, your emotions will likewise fade.

Why is emotional focus important?

Mental focus follows emotional focus. Working on something that you deem unimportant is draining. And why should you even bother? But once you see the benefits, and not just see them, but feel them. Then you’ll work on it. And not just that, you might even be excited to. The next time you struggle to change your behavior, listen to the stories that you tell about it. Are you decrying your goals while trying to work on them? Chances are you know you should do something, but feel that you shouldn’t.

Some people want effortless success. They want fast cars, fancy houses, or recognition, all without having to work for it. Sadly, that’s not possible. To be sure, some people have those things and did not labor for them. But those things are not success. Success can only be achieved through hard work.

Success is the attainment of one’s goals. Attaining something means that you did not have it previously. If work was not required to accomplish your goals, you didn’t attain them. Nothing really changed. You merely decided to collect what was already within your grasp. To get something that you could not have before requires growth.

Growth means stretching yourself. It’s fumbling your way to deftness. There is no easy way. Growth necessitates failure, confronting new challenges and difficult situations in order to gain new skills or hone your existing ones. Moments of insight are fueled by days if not weeks of research. All of these things are difficult, exhausting and painful.

When I struggle with my goals, sometimes I just want to give up. I want to get help, or find someone to do it for me. I wish my problem would go away, my situation resolved. I want someone else to swoop in and rescue me.

But I have lost sight of the bigger picture. There will always be a next problem, or another challenge. I don’t really need to solve anything. I can bear the consequences of failure. No, what I really want is to become someone who can handle those types of problems without shrinking from them. To grow into something bigger than myself. Because that is true success. And after having tasted it, nothing else compares.

“When you repeat a mistake, it is not a mistake anymore: it is a decision.”

― Paulo Coelho

I’ve been struggling to change one of my habits lately. I’ve vowed to quit cold turkey, and I’ve carefully planned out a gradual roll out of my old habit in favor of better ones. Both of these approaches have worked, but only for a time. Although I’ve had stretches of success, I always seem to end up mired in the same place due to the same behavior.

And that is why. Previously I looked at my backsliding as a mistake. Because of course it was. I was trying to change my behavior. Of course I knew that my old habit had stopped serving me. I just wasn’t thinking. So I added reminders. Only they didn’t work. Just like before, I still make the same mistakes. I spent all of my effort trying to act, and none of it trying to convince myself to act. I wasn’t making a mistake. I was making a decision.

So I set about convincing myself instead of demanding.

I had tried to change my behavior for so long, I forgot my reasons for doing so. I searched my notes, and found the reasons that I had stated when I started. And they didn’t apply to me anymore. I wrote new reasons. These were not for myself now, but for the self that would decide how to act when given a choice to follow my new behavior or my old one. I needed to convince that person that although my old habit was comforting, and enjoyable, it was not worthwhile.

Decisions are made using emotions, not logic.

There were reasons why my old habit pulled at me. I enjoyed it, and it allowed me to separate myself from work. In fact, there was nothing wrong with the activity itself, just the way that I was using it. It provided a haven for me. I used it to run from my problems instead of confronting them. Everytime I encountered a setback, I would hear the siren call of my old habit, offering a reprieve. I couldn’t convince myself that I wasn’t getting anything out of my habit, because that was a lie and I knew it.

Instead, I needed to understand the cost. Not to know it in my head, but to feel it in my heart. Whenever I started running from my problems, I didn’t stop for the whole day. I transformed small setbacks into massive delays. The broken commitment and missed deadlines left a sink hole of fear and resentment. I was training myself to be a coward. To run from every possible failure or emotional risk. Instead of becoming someone I looked up to, I was becoming something else. That was the price that I was paying.

So I wrote down the reasons,

And I’ll rewrite them every day. Because I don’t make decisions while looking at my notes, I’ll need to remember them. I’ll need to be able to recall them when I’m feeling tired, or afraid. Until my reasons should spring to mind when I think about my habits.

Intro

Is a destructive wurm terrorizing you and your village? Is a terrible beast eating your livestock and your favorite relatives? Do you want to slay a dragon? Congratulations! Because now you can. In just 5 easy *steps, you can rid yourself of this odious problem.

* Steps may be somewhat challenging to extremely difficult.

Step 1: Set Out (commit to slaying your dragon)

Now brave soon-to-be hero, you need to set out. Instead of suffering under the fiery breath of your dragon, you’ll need to venture forth to rid yourself of it. You have cowered in your hut, hoping it would just take your sheep, or failing that, your least favorite relative (Uncle Ted). But alas! It ate your most favorite relative instead (Auntie Gertrude). As so, you must fix in your mind the reason that you go to confront the beast. Have a clear picture of exactly which relative you are going to avenge. We recommend keeping a small picture or keepsake of theirs handy for the journey.

Step 2: Find a Sword (have a plan to defeat your dragon)

Now that you’ve left your village, you’ll need a weapon. If there’s a legendary blacksmith in residence, we strongly recommended enlisting their services. For those not so fortunate (we expect most villagers to fall into this category), we recommend asking your elders if they know of any dragon slayers or dragon slaying swords. Most countries have a sword dragon slaying, or a dragon slaying Aunt laying around. We recommend asking a retired dragon slayer for the gear over finding it in the wilderness. Despite the popularity of questing for a sword, they do have a nasty tendency to rust, especially if not cared for properly. Meeting with a retired dragon slayer allows you to get their sword, and ask them for advice directly.

Step 3: Recruit a Wizard (get support for your quest)

Next, you’ll need to recruit a wizard. While you might think them hard to find, they are surprisingly common. In fact, you’ll likely have to choose between several wizards for your adventure. So here’s what to look for in a wizard. Since you’re going to confront a powerful beast, you might first think to find a powerful wizard. Unfortunately, wizards can’t slay dragons. You see, dragons are nigh immune to magic, so a wizard can only should encouragement once you start battling them. Instead you should look for a wizard who, despite the eccentricities and absent mindedness that plague some wizards, is able help you get to the dragon’s lair by helping you navigate and dealing with the smaller dangers along the way (trolls, goblins and the like). 

Step 4: Journey to the Dragon’s Lair (track your progress)

Armed, and with your party assembled, you’ll now need to seek out the dragon’s lair. While some may try to wait for the dragon to return, we recommend finding its lair. During your previous confrontations with the dragon, it sought you out. It was alert. You were unprepared and caught off guard. It decided when and where to meet for battle. This time, you will pick the time and place. Fighting in its lair will allow you to catch it by surprise, in a place its most dangerous aspect (flight) will be of no use.

The journey to the dragon’s lair serves another purpose: to help you train with your sword. Confronting lesser challenges on the way (with the aid of your trusty wizard) will help you hone your skills. Be sure to track your progress on your map. Make sure that your skills steadily develop as you near your destination.

Step 5: Confront the Dragon

As you reach the dragon’s lair, you’ll need to go in alone, leaving your wizard behind. The key to this battle is to believe in yourself. You will feel overwhelmed and afraid. Like you cannot succeed. There will be an opportunity for you to turn the tide, and if you don’t believe in yourself you won’t notice it.

When someone close to me is struggling, I want to step in and fix everything. It looks easy to sweep away all of their problems. But the sad truth is, that does not help. I define helping someone as an act that leaves that person more capable of handling the difficulties that they are facing. And fixing things for other people falls short of that standard.

We are at our most vulnerable when we can’t see a way to solve our most pressing problems. We’re frustrated and overwhelmed. And most of all, desperate. At that time, if someone you respect looks at you and your problems and says ‘you got this,’ you will remember it. That might be the push you need to try again. To take another look and see what you can do about it. On the other hand, if that person says ‘you can’t handle this, let me take over,’ you’ll probably let them. And the next time you run into a problem, you’ll remember it.

So, how do you actually help someone who’s struggling?

Believe in them. Nothing you can do is more important. Because that’s how you get them to believe in themselves. Excuses are burdens that hold us back from our goal which we ignore. Because they are pillows for our ego to soften the bruises from failing. Removing them makes failure hurt, more than it already does. Only once someone has let get of their excuses, then they truly believe in themselves.

How do you get rid of someone’s excuses?

Ask why they failed and what they are going to do about it. Once brought to light, it’s difficult to hold onto something so clearly at odds with your goals. Ask them why they can’t succeed. Then question their reasons.

Don’t try to be the hero of someone else’s story

Most times you only have a small role, popping in and out of the story. Instead try to be their Gandalf. Be the person who helps others become more than they thought possible.