Today I gambled. And I lost big. I decided to bet my happiness. On a soccer game of all things. Why did I do that? Does my happiness need to be tied to victory?

I ran fast, and passed to whoever was open. I stole the ball on defense. Scored on offense. Yet it was not enough. So I ran faster. Played more physically. Still, it was not enough.

I grew frustrated. At my teammates, because they weren’t skilled enough. Because they made mistakes. I make mistakes too, but not nearly so many. They didn’t run quickly enough or often enough. They didn’t make enough passes to people who were open. And so, my time didn’t score enough goals.

We lost.

Why wasn’t it enough? Why did I tie my happiness to the skill of my teammates? Before the game I knew about how skilled they were. About how hard they worked. I knew which mistakes they would make. And yet, I made my happiness depend on skills that I knew they did not have. On effort that I knew they would not give.

Why wasn’t my effort enough for me? Perhaps not for victory, but for my happiness? I disliked the other team. They pulled down one of my team members who had a scoring chance. And they injured our player with that foul. And then argued with the referee until he called a foul on our team. I also disliked the referee. I wanted to win. Because I knew that the other team wanted to win, and didn’t want them to. Not after that cheap foul. My effort was not enough because a sign showed me the wrong numbers. Because I made it insufficient.

I could’ve been happy playing soccer because I enjoy running, value the company of my teammates, or love playing soccer. Instead I played soccer to win, but mostly to make the other team lose. And I made myself miserable.

What other things do I tie my happiness to?

Are these things truly important, or am I making a big deal out of them? What makes them important? Am I giving them the effort that they deserve, no more, no less?

Problems and inconveniences both cause stress, discomfort and even pain. So what’s the difference between the two? To me, a problem is something that can only be remedied by changing yourself. An inconvenience can be fixed by changing your environment.

But they aren’t really separate things. Instead, they are two sides to the same coin. For each situation that causes you pain, the inconvenience is the unpleasant part of your surroundings, and the problem is your improper reaction.

Problems often masquerade as inconveniences. Is your boss nit picking your work? Inconvenience. Or maybe you need to handle criticism more constructively. Problem. Is office noise distracting you? Inconvenience. Or maybe you need to improve your focus. Problem.

If your feet hurt, check your shoes for rocks

Every situation that you find upsetting or painful is one that you are reacting poorly to. Ok, not every situation. But it’s a reasonably safe assumption. That said, reacting poorly to a situation does not mean that situation is pleasant or reasonable. If your feet hurt, check your shoes for rocks.

It’s far easier to change your environment than yourself. And better yet, this will often help. So do it often. You’ll go through many poor situations. At times the best course of action will be to move to a better place. Do so. Don’t feel as though you need to stay. Challenges and personal growth can be found in other places too.

But that won’t solve any of your problems.

Given a similar situation, unless you become more than you are now, you’ll react in more or less the same way. And sometimes, you’ll keep running into an inconvenience again and again. When that happens, it’s because your actions are drawing the inconvenience out of your environment, or this type of thing is common.

Either way, you’ll need to look to yourself. You need to handle this differently. Better. Because problems are about you, not your environment. Problems are where your inconveniences rub against a bruise on your ego. They are deep, personal expressions of desire. Once examined, they’ll show you incredible insight into who you are.

Most people want the same things (to admittedly different degrees): money, respect, love. Our fears separate us far more clearly. And problems are the manifestation of our fears. Fear is where reality encroaches on our self image. You overreact because something you hold dear is threatened, your ideas about who you are. 

What are your problems? What fears do they depend on?

For me, I get distracted at work, and during longer personal projects. I start to push work away, because I am afraid of failure. I avoid working because that would mean finishing, and finishing would mean that my work would be judged. By others, and worst of all by myself. And I could fail. Because I’m afraid that would mean that I’m not good enough.

If you cannot fail, you cannot succeed. Both of these require the same thing. A way to judge your actions. Without a consistent way to do this, everything is just lumped together. None of your actions are better or worse than any others. But this is not true. Everyone has things that they want, and things they are striving for. And we judge our actions accordingly.

Most commonly, we place them against idealized versions of ourselves. I fall into this trap often. I criticize myself for every failing, however small. All of my hard work and success? Well that’s expected. But ideal me wouldn’t struggle with it, so why am I?

Sometimes we sometimes use goals.

What is a Goal?

A goal is not a destination. It does not represent the end of a journey. It’s more like a waypoint. A marker to acknowledge your efforts. Meant to be appreciated, not lived at. So don’t shy away from small goals. They will help you get started. And that’s an incredibly valuable thing.

A goal is not a map. It does not tell you how to achieve the things that you want. Although plans are valuable, goals should not contain that level of detail. Plans change to reflect new situations and methods. Goals should be more stable.

A goal is not motivation. Setting a goal does not make you want to do something. Try setting a goal for someone else if you want to test this. And yet, you need to understand exactly why you want to accomplish your goal. Your goal needs to have purpose.

A goal is direction. Or more accurately, it crystallizes all of your existing direction and motivation into a concise expression of intent.

Why is this important?

Goals are a means of communicating with your future self. They remind you of what you want to do and why. And you will need reminders, because goals require action. And they tend to need a lot of it. To take action, you need to remember your reasons for taking action.

Intentions are best conveyed through words. Properly stated, a goal can invoke all of the feelings behind it.

Today I took a vacation. With everything happening in the world, I felt like I would benefit from it. And it worked. I felt more relaxed and ready to work towards my goals.

It wasn’t a typical vacation.

I couldn’t exactly go out to some exotic location, or even to the movies. And more importantly, I was still working from home. I didn’t even take a day off of work (I’m currently working from home). Instead, I took a vacation from entertainment.

If that sounds odd, then let me tell you, it felt odd. Life felt like it had been about cramming in more and more entertainment. Every time I had spare time, I grasped for one of my favored activities. I didn’t let a single moment go unclaimed. And that had left me tired and strained. I’d made life about cramming in more books, more  movies, more outings.

I didn’t give myself a chance to relax. Funnily enough, trying to fill my time with entertainment was actually more stressful than my job. I tried to make myself happy through consuming media. And if I wasn’t happy? Consume more media! That fed on itself until it ate every spare minute.

But it didn’t make me happy. It was taking all of my time on some days. So I couldn’t watch any more shows. Aha! So I needed to watch better movies, or read better books. I tried that a few times.

And came up short. The movies were not the problem. I was expecting too much from entertainment. I couldn’t build a life around it. And that’s what I was trying to do.

So what did I do instead?

I worked. On my job. Towards my goals. I took care of myself, and my apartment. Spent time relaxing or taking a walk. Talked with others.

But the real change wasn’t about what I did. Instead it was about how I did it. I didn’t cram in my mundane task. Instead I was present. I allowed myself to experience everything that I did in its entirety.

In short, I dropped that constant nagging to do something else. That my life needed to be happier, or more fulfilling. And that what I was currently doing could not possibly get me there. Or even if it could, that would be far too slow.

So what about you?

Is there anything you are constantly telling yourself that prevents you from experiencing what life has to offer? How often do you slow down and be present in the things that you do?

I’ve told myself this often throughout my life. I’ll get promoted, and then I’ll be happy. I just need to get more money, and then I’ll be happy. I’ll retire, and then I’ll be happy. To be sure, some of these things have brought me joy. But never in the amount that I’d hoped. Whenever I’d accomplish one of my big goals, I wanted to revel in the success for years. I wanted the joy of success to last, but it quickly faded into normalcy. When I compare the amount of time I spent working towards my major goals, to the amount of time I spent enjoying them, each victory feels overpriced instead of satisfying.

Then what causes me to be happy?

If I had a better grasp of that, couldn’t I find an easier way to achieve it? Looking back, I tend to be happy when I’m focused and working towards a specific, meaningful goal with people that I’m close to. I also need to be free from worry, and boredom. Whenever these conditions are met, I am happy. But that leaves a lot of open questions. What makes a goal meaningful? And how do I keep myself free of worry or monotony?

What makes a goal meaningful?

There is no objective criteria for determining what is meaningful. Things that are meaningful to me, might be drudgery for someone else. Since goals are intrinsic, they are meaningful if I feel that they are worthwhile. I need to believe that I’m working towards something that will be worth all of the effort that I’m putting into it. And how do I convince myself that something is meaningful (or not)? It depends on what I say to myself about the task. What benefits will I, or others get from it? Does is server a greater purpose?

What causes worry?

A situation that causes one person to worry, might not affect me. In school, whenever I took a test, some people would be nervous, but not me. However, when we got our scores back, I would be tense and jittery, while others were relaxed (or resigned). What was the difference? Worry is mulling the consequences of failure over and over. I can free myself from it, by telling myself that it’s ok to fail, and that I can weather the consequences of failure.

What makes a task boring?

What makes a task boring? I’ve played video games, and enjoyed them. The actions that I took for each level were remarkably similar to the last. And yet, I did not find them monotonous. Why was that? There were relatively minor changes between each level. But I noticed them, and marked the progress between each one keenly. So, a task is monotonous if I tell myself that I’m doing the same thing over and over, instead of noticing the differences between tasks and the progress that I’m making.

What about you?

My happiness is derived from what I tell myself. What do you need to be happy? What are you telling yourself?

I want to have more freedom. Specifically, I’d like to exercise more control over my time. I spend a lot of time working. It’s… fine. Honestly, it’s pretty great. I’m treated well. Paid well. I have smart, kind, helpful coworkers. Yet, I want more. I want to learn more. And to do other things. I want to write. I want to create things. Will I enjoy those other things? Maybe. Maybe not. But I want to find out.

Why is it hard?

This is a very important question. Why haven’t I done this already?

I could stop working now and make some slight cuts to my spending. Or take a very long break. But I have a great job, and I’m so close to being able to retire. I can measure this in months, instead of years. So I don’t think it makes sense to leave now. Given more time, this will work itself out.

Or will it?

Fear. This is a much harder problem to solve. I’m not sure any amount of money would make me feel comfortable. And that’s okay. Because that’s not what money is for. It buys things. Nothing more. Money is merely a convenient focus for the morass of uncertainty.

What if I get lonely?

How will I meet people?

What if I want to spend more?

What if I have to go back to work?
What if I can’t find a job?

What if the book I’m writing fails?

What if no one visits my blog?

What if I’m just using work as an excuse? I can change the way I’m handling things right now. But I haven’t yet. Is work just an excuse to relieve myself of responsibility?

Why do I think this change is worthwhile?

What makes me think that I will enjoy my new found freedom over my existing comfort? With freedom, I could change things if I wasn’t enjoying them. With my current job, my time is tightly constrained, but my finances are not. I think that how I spend my time is much more important than the things that surround me.

Can you claim any of the worthwhile parts now?

Instead of waiting for everything to fall into place what parts can you grasp now? I can take more control over my time at work. I can select projects that bring my more joy, or sample some of the hobbies that I plan on picking up. Instead of waiting for everything to happen exactly the way I want it to, I can pull in bits and pieces into my life right now.

What about you?

What important goals do you have? What changes have you been meaning to make in your life?

Every second, I become one second older. Every day, I become one day older. Every year, I become one year older. This trend has been holding for several decades. And I took little notice of it.

Suddenly, I started to. I watched each second tick by. And I hated it, because that second was not ten. Because it was not a hundred. Because each second that passed by was one I no longer had.

I simmered in discontent. Until I asked myself why? Why does this hurt now when it did not before?

Time had not changed. It flowed by much as before. My body had changed little. I could still do the things that I desired. My mind had changed. I started looking time differently. So I asked myself, how did I think about time?

Time is not a possession. But I wanted to pretend that it was. I wanted to gather it. I wanted to horde it. I wanted to purchase more of it. And this was the problem.

Time is not a possession. It is the measure of experiences. Of new things explored. Of moments cherished. And this was the problem.

Time is not a possession. And yet, I’d traded it for experiences. For that is what we must do, every moment, every day. But I’d shortchanged myself. And this was the solution.

I did not need more time. I did not need more experiences. I merely needed better ones.

There are billions of people in the world. Stop for a moment. Let that sink in. You’ll never meet all of them. You’ll never talk to all of them. There are millions of friends out there that you’ll never make. Hundreds of thousands of people are born each day. So each day you’ll fall farther behind. Hundreds of thousands of people die each day. So each day you’ll lose this chance.

There are millions of things that you’ll never do. Games you’ll never play. Books that you’ll never read. Shows you’ll never watch. Millions of games are played each day. Thousands of books are written each day. Hundreds of shows are made each season.

There are thousands of cities. Hundreds of countries. They are not static. They are not waiting for you. Every day, they move onwards. And every day, you lose these experiences. Forever.

You are missing out.

Fear is the anticipation of loss. There is nothing to fear, because you have already lost. There is no way to capture everything that the world is doing.

So, what are you afraid of?

What is determination?

Sometimes it feels like a super power, not quite flying, but much better than the ability to transform into a puddle. It magically empowers you, and tahda! The things you want to get done are done! Some people are born with it, or receive it by strange and decidedly unpleasant events happening to them. You don’t have it? Well don’t bother trying. But you might get lucky and have something imbue you with willpower one day.

No, it’s not magic.

Or it’s like a muscle. Something to exercise and build up over time. You’re feeling listless today? Well just try to work on things a bit, and tomorrow will be better. Just keep striving towards your goals, and you’ll build willpower along the way.

But this isn’t really what determination is. It’s how it works. And how do you get the willpower to build willpower anyway?

Determination is prioritizing your long term goals over your short term discomfort.

Determination is prioritizing your long term goals over your short term discomfort. And you should prioritize your goals. If they weren’t important, they shouldn’t be goals (and you should make sure that they still are).

The truth is, your short term discomfort isn’t important. What are the negative long term impacts due to spending more time studying? Or going to the gym?

But what about over the short term? Working more reduces your happiness. Although most people take this as a given, I’m not so sure. There are tasks that make you miserable to be sure. And given a choice, most people prefer watching tv instead of running.

And yet, that is only the shallowest form of happiness. It flits in and out of your life depending on your day. Or traffic. Or any number of inconsequential things. But fulfillment, the deeper kind of happiness does not. And fulfillment does not come from watching TV. Or from nice cars. Or fancy meals. It comes from working.

So when you are struggling,

Remind yourself why your goals are important. Because they are important. Take some time to understand why. Appreciate how you’ll benefit from accomplishing them, or making progress on them, or simply working on them.

And understand that the pain you feel does not matter. It won’t matter to you in a week, or even by tomorrow. Take a step back, and it won’t matter to you right now. The only reason that it feels so important is that you’re constantly being reminded of it.

I’m feeling a bit tired right now . That’s not quite right. Restless. Bored. I’m grasping for entertainment. I don’t care what it is. I just want something to help me escape this moment.

But why? What is so terrible about the experiences that I’m going through? Physically painful? Nope. Uncomfortable? Nope. Tiring? Somewhat,but that has not prevented me from enjoying other things. Emotionally painful? Not really. It’s just boring. Life right now seems empty.

Of what?

That’s hard to say . Stimulation would be the most obvious answer, But it’s not the right one , when I feel this way I often grasp for it in the form of food (sweet, salty , calorie dense) , or news (click bait) or books. The trouble is they don’t work . I don’t feel better after getting some. I feel worse.

Then what am I missing?

Meaning. I think the emptiness comes because my actions are pointless. They change the world. They matter to others. But not to me.

So I try to substitute stimulation for meaning. But it doesn’t work. Enough is not a physical reality, it’s a feeling. Like giving a drowning man water, giving me stimulation instead of meaning does not help.At best, it delays me and lets me escape my problems. At worst, it allows my problems to fester, and builds an instinct to avoid them.

How should I handle this? How do I find meaning it tasks that I don’t get to choose? I can’t. I can’t create meaning out of thin air, or trivial tasks. Things will not become important to me just because I want them to be. Or because that would be convenient.

But maybe that’s the wrong way to look at it. I don’t need to find meaning. I already have it. There are meaningful tasks and important goals. I just need to correct them to my current work.

With each task, I need only to ask, how does this help me become the person who I want to be?