Hatred is the crystallization of anger. To hate, one must practice anger until it becomes an instinct. It doesn’t just happen. Every thought forged in anger, lays the tracks for resentment.

Anger, like all emotions, is a feeling and a story. The feeling is pain. The story is most often that someone else is causing it. And not for any good reason. Because that person is cruel. Or careless. Or inept.

Anger has no interest in truth.

Anything that denies your story is attacked. These are not rejections of your pain, but your understanding. And make no mistake. Your pain is real. But your story is not. No one else can tell you that it’s wrong. You won’t listen. I certainly didn’t. Just listen to your own story.

How does repeating that story make you feel? Does it bring back all of the hurt? Why do you continually dredge up the past? Is there any action you can take to change that situation now? Any lesson that you can take from it?

In a very real sense, to feel anger is to blame.

You might have been hurt by the actions of another. And they might have even been cruel, careless or inept. But you are not a neutral observer. You have an incredible amount of insight into what you felt, and what happened to you. But almost none into that other person.

What was that other person feeling? What information did they have access to? Why did they take their actions?

Blame is the only real way to avoid responsibility. If something happens that hurts you, you can’t really say that it didn’t happen. Because it did. And you feel it. And feelings are very hard to argue with.

Blame is seductive because it makes life easier. Instead of dealing with your feelings and your choices, you only need to deal with your feelings. But you don’t need blame for this. I hereby give you permission to deal with your feelings whenever you are in pain. Examining your actions can wait. And almost always it should.

I have many flaws, but anger?

I thought I had moved beyond it. That was one emotion I had understood thoroughly. Enough to recognize it, and promptly set it aside on the rare occasions where it surfaced. For why would I hold onto something that caused me pain?

I was wrong.

I was hurt. Dodging responsibility for my actions meant pushing blame onto others. I held onto my pain to shield myself from responsibility. Because that was even more painful.

Lots of people, parents mostly, are awfully concerned about the words that children hear. They think that hearing certain words might hinder a child’s development. Or scar them emotionally.

I entirely agree!

The theory goes like this. Children are impressionable (this is true), and easy to influence (less true). And they lack either the emotional maturity or the experience to handle certain concepts. I agree with this as well. Even more, I’d say that the same of many adults.

However, most people worry about very odd words. Poo, poty, damn, shit, fuck. These words are easy to understand and use. Say them when you wish to emphasize a point. Not in polite company. Rarely, or they lose their impact.

Children hear them all the time. And what happens? They snicker. And maybe use them. Oh no!

There are many words that are much more harmful.

Should.

This word tells a child to shut up. Do what you are told. And that explanations are unnecessary. Because whoever says this is in a position of power. Not because they are right, or because it will provide some benefit. But because they rank higher on some social ladder than you.

You should clean your room. You should brush your teeth. Whenever a parent says this, they deprive a child of choice. They are forced to become a cog, instead of a thinking, feeling person. It misdirects them. They are pulled towards a demand, and the authority behind it. Not to their actions, and why those are important.

Everyone.

This word tells a child that they are in danger of being arrested by the conformity police. Which aren’t real. But they are very scary. When you say this to a child, you are saying that they need to do what other people are doing. Why? Because other people are doing it of course. And they might reject you for doing something else.

Instead you should foster their independence. Tell them that true friends are the ones who recognize your differences. They don’t need you to be the same as them.

Certain times are held above others: the times when you get to decide upon your actions without regard to prior obligations or responsibilities. Which is rather odd. Every moment of every day, you decide what you do. You don’t need to care about your obligations or responsibilities. Only the consequences of your actions.

I reject the notion that time spent meeting your obligations or following your routines should be less valuable that spontaneous actions. Why should your routines need to be less valuable than your whims? If anything, they should be more worthwhile.

You can, and should put a great deal of thought and effort into honing your routines. Let them be your bastions of calm. Of focus. Of whatever makes you feel alive.

Likewise, you should rid yourself of obligations that are unworthy of your time. Commitments are not thrust upon you. They are not chains binding you to a course of action. They are opportunities. That were offered. And taken.

Set them down once they stop serving you. Often requires a process, and sometimes it continuing with your obligations for a time. But if something is not serving you, stop carrying it.

Everyone makes mistakes. Few people appreciate them. Unfortunately, this includes me. To make a mistake, first you must make an effort. You didn’t try something easy, but something hard. You took a risk. Not to your finances. Nor your career. But to your self esteem. Other parts of your life may have picked up a bump. Your confidence, that is well and truly bruised.

And you failed.

But first you succeeded. In trying. In broadening your understanding. Right now you’re hurting. And pain narrows your focus to whatever is hurting you. I tend to gloss over my effort if I fail at something new. If you have a failure that’s nagging, take a moment to appreciate what you tried to accomplish instead of the impact of your actions.

When I try something new, the greatest possible outcome is that I grow as a person. Material success, status, and trophies. These things are nice, but they aren’t really important. Self development is. And not in a no one gets an F in preschool kind of way.

Growing as a person is far and away most likely if I fail. And if that failure hurts. Is that true for you as well? If so, what can you learn from this suffering to make it worth the pain?  How can you make this the best possible outcome?

This is a funeral.

It’s time to bury your mistakes into the dust of history. But first take a moment to appreciate the past. Let go of your expectations. Your recriminations. Your what ifs. Your if onlys. These things have no place at a funeral. Look back on the past and think of the best. There is no place for blame or criticism. There is only room for acceptance, not exaggeration. For sorrow, not misery.

Maturity is typically measured in years.

But this is obviously a poor measure. Some young people are incredibly mature, and some adults don’t exactly live up to the name. I prefer to measure maturity in the number of serious mistakes that a person has recognized and overcome. I’m eight and a half by the way. How mature are you?

You shrug off stress.

These are statements of fact. How do they make you feel? Are they true for you? If so, please share your wisdom.

They are not true for me. Or more accurately, they are sometimes true. Perhaps a better question is how to make them true. Or at least true more often.

Would they be true for you if you said they were?

No? But what if you did it over and over again. Maybe? Probably not. That might get you close. Or maybe just in denial. But what if you did the reserve? If you said your job was terrible over and over? If you nitpicked every flaw. Would that make you hate your job? Yes, I think it would.

But what if you tried something else?

You tried to find joy in the mundane tasks of your job. You tried to expand your responsibilities into areas that fascinate you, and drop those that frustrate you. What if you practiced effective stress relief? Realized when you’re upset, and relaxed regularly?

Will these things make you love your job? Or make relaxing second nature? No, I don’t think that they will. I do think that they will help you grow as a person. And maybe that’s the question we should all be asking.

What would I do If I was fabulously wealthy?

I love reading. I do a lot of that know, and I’d probably do even more. Instead of waiting for books at the library, I’d probably just buy them. I love learning and personal growth. I’d probably take classes for these on writing, and psychology at college. Maybe a few AI courses too. I haven’t taken anything like this recently. I love sports, running, and weight lifting. I’m doing all of these right now. There not that expensive, although I might take advantage of more personal training sessions.

I’d love to see lots of different places and meet different people. I travel a bit now, but mostly I go home to see my family. I’d like to go abroad more often and travel more slowly. I haven’t gone to a new place in a while. I love helping people. This would probably mean volunteering. Maybe starting my own charity. I’m not doing this now. I’d love to go to a meditation retreat.

In short, if I were rich, I’d do a lot of what I’m already doing. Wow, that’s a pretty great answer.

I’d hire of a lot of people. For the obvious stuff like cleaning, and cooking (but only sometimes because I like to cook). But also a nutritionist. I might keep a massage therapist on staff. Or even better, massage classes for my SO.

But I’d also stop doing some things…

I’d quit my job. I have a nice job, great even. I do enjoy it. It’s also stressful, and demanding. And it takes a ghastly amount of time to do. I feel like I should enjoy it more. My boss is supportive and includes me in decisions. The perks are great. Honestly, I feel a bit guilty that I don’t enjoy it more.

Would that make me happy? I think that’s a bit of an odd question. A bit like asking if squares are hard or soft. For me, money and happiness are two different things that don’t really affect each other all that much. That’s what the literature on happiness says for my situation.

I understand that for some people this is not the case. Money doesn’t buy happiness, but you can use it to prevent certain types of misery. The most obvious is providing food, shelter and medical care. The most common is jealousy. This is one mistake I made at my first job. I realized it then, but it took a lot of time for me to stop feeling resentful.

And if I were just very wealthy?

I’d probably have to shut down my charity. That doesn’t actually sound so bad. I’d join someone else’s. Maybe the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation?

Otherwise, I don’t see anything really changing.

And if I had just an above average income?

I’d probably switch to business class. And let go of all my hired help. My masseuse! I’d have to go to community college instead of college.

And if I were poor?

I’d still read. I would grab books from the library. I’d still run and play soccer (pick up games?). Weight lifting might have to switch to body weight exercises instead of barbells. I couldn’t travel and that would really hurt. Classes would have to switch to the online ones.

In summary

I want my life to look much like what I’m doing now. I’d like to spend more time learning and less (no) time working. Volunteering would let me aid people and connect to others. I could probably start volunteering and taking classes right now. Both of those take time more than money, but right now that’s at a premium.

What’s important to me? I’m not so sure. For a long time I didn’t really think about it. I just assumed that it would be obvious. But when I try to answer this type of question, it’s actually really hard. So here goes: personal growth, kindness. I like to grow myself and nuture others.

What makes me happy? Reading. Exercise. Spending time with friends and family. Massages. Helping other people.

Actions to take

• What do you want your life to look like?
• What’s important to you?
• What makes you happy?

Details

These might sound like odd questions given the title, but they aren’t really. You need to answer them before you’re ready for the next question. What should you do with your money?

Your actions move you towards different results. Sometimes it’s easy to see where you’re going. Other times it’s hard. Either way, you’ll need to know where you want to go, before you know if you’re headed in the right direction.

So, what do you want your life to look like?

Terrible news! Bill Gates died. But on the plus side, he was your second uncle and he left everything to you. Say hello to yachts and red carpet.

What would you do every day? Every month? Every year? What would your newly acquired wealth allow? What would you buy? What things would you need to be happy?

Terrible news! They found another will. Instead of billions, you’re now left with mere millions. Say goodbye to yachts. But hey, you can still fly first class.

What things can you no longer do? What would you do instead? Would you have to give up any of the things you bought? Did you need to get rid of anything that you need to be happy?

Terrible news! Although you inherited millions, it’s stuck in a trust. It’s set up to give you several thousand dollars a month.

What things can you no longer do? What would you do instead? Would you have to give up any of the things you bought? Did you need to get rid of anything that you need to be happy?

Terrible news! You’ve been sued! And fired! They took almost all of the money. The remaining trust pays for housing, and food. Medical care is a stretch, but luckily you’re very healthy. Luxuries of any kind of out of the question. It’s Goodwill and store brands for you. I hope you like rice and beans because that’s what you can afford.

What things can you no longer do? What would you do instead? Would you have to give up any of the things you bought? Did you need to get rid of anything that you need to be happy?

So, What’s important to you?

When did the important things start disappearing?

How much did it hurt each time you got poorer?

What things stuck with you as you grew poorer?

So, What makes you happy?

What did you need to have or do to be happy? How many of them do you have or do right now?

How many of them could you do or have in some way?